And now they call you the preacher's wife

Gotta say it

2006-11-01T13:33:00.000-08:00

Yeah, so people are stupid and hateful and unkind and selfish and self-centered and I'm sick of it.
I'm sick of being the person who is too nice and lets everyone walk all over them.

I'm sick of being the person who gets treated like crap, for no apparent reason.

What makes a person think I do anything in my life based upon them?

What makes a person think they have the right to be hateful about me and my family
b/c they feel like it?

What makes that kind of person tick? What makes that kind of person happy?

THE WORLD DOESN'T REVOLVE AROUND YOU!!

I'm sick of it and I'm done. I'm done with this crap. I might not ever say anything. I might not ever be as hateful as this person is, but I'm sure as heck done trying.

Adios.

S

I should...

2006-10-03T21:45:00.000-07:00

be in bed.
cleaning the house
working on Anna's website

and there are probably 10 other things I should be doing that I'm not.  Sigh.
I've hated that I've left Anna's website unupdated for so long.
I've been working on it for a bit.  There are quite a few things to be updated.
There are some new things I want to add.  There are tons of new pics to add, lol.
I don't know how many people actually looked at it regularly but I like to have it anyways.  I'm really glad I'm working on it again.

I'm so excited its October. Sooo many fun things to do this month, wahoo! We've got plans for like every weekend and some weekdays too. LOTS of picture taking opportunities too, wahoo!

My brothers have been living with my dad for about a week & 1/2 now. So far, so good. They are quickly forgetting that they were sure they'd want to come back every weekend, lol. They were supposed to come over some for fall break but I think "obligations" to friends are gonna get in the way. I miss them (and so does Anna) and I'd like to see them but its ok, I understand. I'm just happy they are adjusting okay.

Oh and Shay (the oldest of the two) told me today that my Dad might have some little girlfriend.   Well, he says they are just friends but it would appear that she really likes him and he likes spending time with her too. How cute is that? It feels a little weird thinking of my Dad with another woman but at the same time, he totally deserves it. They met in AA. He's still sober, too, which is awesome. I have hope for him. The only thing that really sucks, in my mind, is that to grad from AA they are supposed to apologize to everyone. I don't feel like he owes me anything persay but causing me to scream, "please don't kill yourself Daddy" in the middle of the night over the phone while he was claiming to be taking excessive amounts of pills might be one of those things he should apologize for. I hope he's doing it right and not just doing what he can get away with to look good to people.

He HAS to be real to people and to himself, for once, if anything is going to be alright. Sheesh. I haven't really spoken to him in awhile, not really much at all since he tried to kill himself the last time. Well, I take that back. There was that time that he tried to guilt me into talking and making up (like it works that way) with my mother so she could stop trying to say I was the reason she wasn't get ther surgery.   Not so I wouldn't have the guilt over my head but so that she would go get the surgery. Whatever. Its in the past right? I just don't know what to say to him anymore.  My mother hasn't even tried speaking to me anymore.  I guess she gives up.  I'm fine with that.
The holidays are gonna be so strange this year, without my side of the family. LOL, at least it will probably be without drama though!

S

BEST husband in the WORLD!

2006-09-27T12:35:00.000-07:00

So yeah, I've always thought it but now I have proof! The proof comes in the form of a photography studio in my guestroom. Yeah, I said it, a photography studio. I've had a dream of doing professional photography and that wonder of a man named Brett has decided to go ahead and help me along the way. I'm sure there is still plenty to be had but umbrella lamps, a new dslr and tripod, fabric and a professional printer go a long, LONG way. Actually to tell the truth, he got me ever more than that, but maybe I won't drone on and on about the details. I still have alot to learn and probably more to buy but I'm on my way dang it!

On the other hand, Anna has been a handful these past few days. She's a bit congested so I don't know if her not feeling great has anything to do with it but we've been in defiance CENTRAL! Sheesh, I hope it passes quickly.

S

Been awhile

2006-09-20T19:40:00.000-07:00

So its been a bit since I've blogged, oops. I think this shall mostly be an Anna brag blog. So beware, lol.

Have I ever mentioned what a little songbird my child is. Seriously, she knows multitudes of songs by heart. I've never known a kid so young to know so many songs. Heck, I think she might know more songs by heart than I do. Its really really cute. Let me try to think of a quick list.

Twinkle Twinkle
Jesus Loves Me
Itsy Bitsy Spider
Where is Thumbkin?
Down by the station
Row Row your boat
Wheels on the Bus
Happy and You Know It
Heads Shoulders Knees and Toes
3 Blind mice
Baa Baa Black Sheep
How much is that doggy in the window?
Old Macdonald
Pop goes the Weasel
Jingles Bells
The Big Comfy Couch Song
Bob the Builder Song
Rescue Pack song
Hush little baby
Happy Birthday
The Alphabet Song
The Barney Song
Going to the zoo
Pussy cat Pussy cat
Do lord (chorus line)
Meet you in the morning (Chorus line)
Elmo's World
Stop and Go
Open the Eyes of my heart Lord
Dig it (chorus)
Dig Deep (chorus)
Archaeology
The WHOLE song of Pinch Me (Bare Naked Ladies)
First verse of Freshmen by the Verve
First Verse of Hang by Matchbox 20
So Happy Together
Chorus of Ridin' Dirty
Chorus of Over my Head
Chorus of Had a Bad day

Yeah, and I think there are more that she at least knows the chorus of. Its crazy, I tell you. If she doesn't end up with some serious music talent I will forever be shocked. She can hum the music to the songs. She can recognize all the songs if they are hummed to her. She can recognize the songs from the first several notes of music. She'll make up new songs to the music of other songs. She can recognize if one songs sounds is sung to the beat of another song. And she can dance to the beat of them all. Not just crazy white girl flapping around but cute little rhythmic dancing. She'll even imitate dancing she sees kids doing on tv, pretty well, I might add. I have wanted musical talent my whole life. I'm a huge music person. This makes a mommy proud, I tell ya!

So, the really cute part? We sing her songs every night. She asks for more and more songs lately. The day before yesterday, she started singing along with me. I typically sing her "YOu are my sunshine" every night. That night, she sang it with me. I cried. Literally. Its one of the sweetest, most precious things to hear her sweet little voice singing back to me, "You are my sunshine, my only sunshine". Seriously, I'm tearing up just thinking about it. It doesn't get much sweeter than this. She's, without a doubt, one of the best things in the world.

S

I can't believe its been 5 years

2006-09-11T12:37:00.000-07:00

So yeah, it was 5 years ago, I can't believe that horrible day has already hit its 5 year anniversary. Somedays I still can't believe it even happened. I didn't know anyone there and don't even know anyone who knew someone there. I think its so easy for us all to put some distance between us and what happened. In some ways, after it happened, some had to. All that death and sadness was so hard to handle, day after day. BUT, now, I think we have to be careful not to keep that distance. We need to remember what happened. We need to not embrace a false sense of security. We need not forget those who sacrificed their lives to try to save others. We need not forget all of those innocent people who never deserved to have their lives taken in such a horrible manner. We need not forget that such evil exists and is prevalent today.

I hate it all.

S

Must...have... air...

2006-09-09T14:50:00.000-07:00

I don't mean oxygen, by the way, I mean air conditioning. We took Anna to get her pictures made Friday and when we came home, it was like 80 degree in our house, BLECH! So, Brett called around, like he's supposed to, and then called our church's fix-it man - Mark. Mark was in Murfreesboro then so wouldn't be able to come until Saturday. Blech, but at least its been cool at night. We opened all the windows (much to my sinus's irritation) and turned on all the fans and did our best. Yeah, so Mark came today and has been working on it off and on all day. Its STILL hot in here. At first he tried to say we just froze it up, that is until it was unfrozen and still not working. I believe its showing it to be about 83-84 degrees in the house right now and my eyes are bright red from all the pollen infiltrating my system. It should be illegal to live without a/c, I even took a cold shower today.

S

She can read???

2006-09-05T15:56:00.000-07:00

Yeah, so she can't really but its sure cute anyways.  Anna has the Dr. Seuss book titled "Put me in the zoo".  Its about this crazy spotted animal that longs to be in the zoo.
On just about every page, there is a sign of some sorts pointing to the zoo or that says zoo.  I try to point out
words to her and so I'm sure I've shown her that it says zoo.  Well, now she remembers.  To an outsider, it would
probably look like she can read.  "It says zoo", "there's zoo again!"  "This one says circus" (yeah the last sign
says circus!).  LOL.

And then today we were doing a puzzle that has colors labeled on it.  I was showing her the word and
telling her what color it said.  Each word is the color it spells and is underneath the puzzle peice of the sam
color.  LOL, she caught on really quick though and "read" each of the other words to me, about 8 in all.

Yeah, so maybe I should go onto my May 04 board on BBC and tell everyone that, I'm SUUURE that would go
over lovely, lol.

S

The moon is dancing!

2006-09-04T19:04:00.000-07:00

Today we had a great day. The fam went to a Labor Day picnic at a lake with a beach. It was really too cool today (IMO) for Anna to swim but we let her get her feet wet and play in the sand. She had sooo much fun and so did I. It was really a blast, making letters in the sand, trying to keep our footprints from being washed away, digging our toes in the sand... wish we had been taking her to the beach ALL summer! Its sad b/c summer is basically over so we'll have to wait until next year. Oh well, still it was lots of fun!

Then, on the way home, the whole family was jammin' to Shay's fav song - Riding Dirty, LOL! Yeah, it a rap song but its relatively clean (any curse words are obscured by the crazy fast flow) and Anna LOVES it, ha ha! She has inherited my "hoodness!". So, anyways, she was jammin' along, dancin' like a fiend in her carseat and yelled out "The moon is dancing" with the purest joy and amusement in her voice. I guess she looked up while she was dancing and saw what looked like the moon was dancing (since she was bobbin' that head like wild). SOOO CUTE!

LOL, oh and a brag? She made the letter "A" all by herself in the sand. A few times it looked more like an "H" (the top didn't join) but she made a REALLY good A several, several times... TOTALLY impressed! Guess I'll have to figure out ways to show her the rest of the letters now, lol!

Oh and one more VERY cute story. Brett put her to bed tonight (and it sounds like she is gonna fall asleep easy AGAIN, wahoo!!) and he asked me if I knew where her giraffe stuffed animal was but he spelled it out. We looked for it for a few minutes but then just kinda hoped she wouldn't notice it was gone. Right as I was leaving the room, she yelled out where is my "G-R"?? LOL, she forgot most of the letters but realized we were looking for something for her. Brett asked her what a "G-R" was and she said "um, a toy??" LOL! She is catching on to our spelling game. She had no real idea what we were looking for but knew it was something good, something she would want... I guess we're gonna have to get a little less obvious, ha ha.

S

She won't sleep

2006-09-01T20:34:00.000-07:00

Its driving me freakin' crazy. My daughter claim she "can't fall asleep" 95% of naps and 90% of bedtimes. She refuses to lay still and be quiet. I'm going crazy about it. She can sit in there talking and singing to herself for hours, if I let her. Its 10:30 here and she JUST fell asleep. Yeah and she woke up at 7:30 this morning. She only took about a two hour nap. This nap she took easily b/c we were on our way home from Wal-Mart and she conked out in the car. Thats the ONLY easy way she takes naps anymore.

Ever since we came went to Chicago, her sleep has been messed up. Yeah, a month and 1/2 ago. She had alot of late nights on that trip and alot of missed (or just falling asleep in the car) naps. It couldn't really be helped and she had a hard time falling asleep even when we were home at nap and bedtimes b/c it was a strange place. So, first it was bit rocky getting back to normal. I thought it was take a week maybe two weeks and she would go back to talking in her bed for about 20 minutes or so and then just fall asleep. It just keeps getting worse and worse. She has a set routine and I'm pretty sure she's really tired alot (dark circles, rubbing her eyes, wanting to cuddle alot, getting cranky more easily and even yawning) so I don't think I need to NOT let her nap. She seems waaay too young for that. BUT, I don't know what else to do so that naps and bedtime don't turn into hours long ordeals. I get sooo frustrated at her when its like that (and she at me). Anybody that might actually be reading this, if you have suggestions, I'm totally game.

S

Had a bad day again

2006-08-31T18:47:00.000-07:00

Don't read below post if you want to read happy thoughts.

I've had one too many of those lately. I'm sick of them. Anna was a mess today. My normally mild mannered sweet little girl was well... not so much. She ripped pages out of a libabry book. Not just ripped them out in a way that I could tape back in but ripped them out and tore them into shreds, sigh.

Maybe I'm just letting all this stuff with my parents get to me too much. I'm much happier when they just leave us alone and don't call.

I'm determined to have a better day tomorrow, dang it! If it kills me.
*** Edited this part for reasons best left undiscussed.***

"And she said you would not understand" Yeah, probably not.

S

They're back!!!

2006-08-30T19:27:00.000-07:00

Yeah so my "men" are home. And things are already hectic. Anna won't fall asleep, I'm guessing b/c she can hear the boys... they refuse to be quiet when she's trying to sleep. I think it might be a mental disorder. LMBO. In some ways, in alot of ways, its really really nice for them to be home though. I missed them. Mostly I missed Brett ALOT. I had bad dreams both nights he was gone... I guess I feel like Becky and really vunerable when he's gone. I guess that shoulda been a no-brainer! I used to not be this bad, until all this crap with my parents started happening. Now I get anxiety when he's not here, in case more drama happens and I have to go it alone. Geeze. Oh well, the important thing is that they are HOME!

(Note- family drama below, read at your own caution, lots of rambling.)
My brothers talked to my dad and my mom tonight. My dad seemed pretty good. He did mention something about how I should talk to mom about her getting her supposed cancer surgery. How awful is it for me to say that I don't care if she does or not? Maybe I wouldn't feel this way if she hadn't said the things she's said recently. I'm afraid that my relationship with her is just dead... completely and utterly dead. She can't say the things about me and Brett that she has and think everything will be honky-dory again. Sorry, it just doesn't work that way. Not to mention she brought up junk to Zach when she talked to him. She is still CONVINCED that Brett trapped my dad to get arrested by the police. She doesn't understand that he was doing it so that my father wouldn't be able to kill himself. Period. What a wacko. So, yeah, she brought that up again. She also asked Zach if we've been fighting anymore. Apparently, at some point in the past, Zach brought up to mother that Brett and I argue. She's trying to say that Zach said I tried to hit him (Brett) and threw things at him. Zach refuses to admit he said that, I have no idea where it would come from. Yeah, I've yelled at my husband before (not while they were here though) and yeah I've even slammed a few doors but I have NEVER thrown ANYTHING at him and NEVER tried to hit him. NEVER. Thats just ridiculous. I'm not violent like my parents, I'm just not. So, anyways, she wants this info to tell the social worker, to try to make us look bad. She's already tried to make up stuff to tell her, obviously it hasn't worked. Oh and get this... the real kicker: She told my 13 y.o. brother that she has decided she won't have the surgery until there is a truce between her and my sister and I. She's trying to guilt us into forgiving her so she will have her surgery. I still can't even decide if she's really got cancer. What kind of freak decides to not get it removed before her daughters kiss and make up with her? Whatever.
(End of family drama)

On to happier things. Anna hasn't had a poopy diaper in 2 weeks now. WOW! She's still had some pee accidents but I'm soo proud. I think its time to convert her changing table (lol, take off the pad). I took off the changing pad, now I've just gotta decide what new things to put up there. She does pretty good with changing her clothes on the floor now and I just pull the pull-ups off and she steps into a new one. So, its really not necessary for me to use the changing table, as is, anymore. Although we missed Brett and the boys like crazy- we had lots of fun while it was just the two of us. Definitely some good Anna-Mommy time. I love time like that. Its never as hard as I thought it was going to be. Especially if we get out and do fun stuff. She already told me she wanted to go back to the library again, I guess we'll have to do that soon.

S

This sucks

2006-08-29T19:53:00.000-07:00

So, we applied for financial aid with the state because of the whole deal with the boys.
Our social worker advised it since we aren't getting a whole lot of cash money records from my parents. Yeah, the crappy thing is that when you apply for financial aid through this program they are going to seek out child support from the parents. I checked my mail today and got a letter in the paper about the
state seeking child support from my parents. It actually say Summer Hillesheim vs --- (My parents). That freakin' sucks. My dad has called twice today. I can't answer it b/c I'm just sure that he got the papers too. That really sucks b/c he's probably super pissed off about it. He probably thinks I wanted it to happen this way. Why do I even care? I dunno, b/c I do. I care b/c I hate my parents thinking I'm trying to screw them. I hate my dad, especially thinking that. I hate my dad thinking I'm doing things to be difficult to him. I didn't want to worry about the whole child support thing, I know he's not back at work yet and has like NO money. BUT we had to, if we were going to get help from the state. And lets face it, we could really use the extra money from the state. Heck, we could really use some extra money from my parents too. BUT I was kinda hoping that it would happen b/c they wanted to give it and knew they SHOULD give it, not b/c they were being forced into it. I know at some point I'm going to have to deal with this. At some point, I'm gonna have to speak to my dad (yeah, I didn't say my mom). Sheesh, this just sucks.

I probably would be braver and speak to him if I weren't alone. I can't deal with it though if he's mad and Brett's not here to help me get through it. I just can't do it. Does that make me weak? Probably butI don't care.

S

I hate it when he's gone

2006-08-28T19:41:00.000-07:00

Things just aren't right for me when he's not with me. He's not even been gone 12 hours AND I've seen him since he left AND I've talked to him since he left but its just not right when he's not here. Not to mention that I get all paranoid when its just me and Anna here. I think I have 90% of the lights on in the house and have checked the locks SEVERAL times. How is it that when he's here, I'm never scared but when he's gone I feel so vunerable? I'm just not myself without him. Pretty sappy huh?! I so admire those women whose husbands have to work late or work nights or travel alot, I don't know how they do it. Or heck, those women whose husbands don't lift a hand... I admire those women too! Things are a heck of alot more tiring when he's not here too!! Dang, I love him!

On another note, Anna gave me NOO trouble going to bed tonight. Maybe we should go out in the evenings ALL the time. lol. We went to get something to eat and to the library and then to eat S'Mores with Brett and the boys... since they are camping. It was lots of fun. Anna loves the library... I know I'm doing SOMETHING right when she gets excited there, right??!! They were having a book sale there, I bought 2 books for a total of 50 cents, wahoo! We got Anna about 9 books (loaned, not bought) and me 3 and a cd of blues music, wahoO! I love getting library books, lol! BUT I have to say, I'm not totally in love with the library in Shelbyville. I swear half of their adult fiction books are ancient! The other half are crazy hard to find. Everytime I see a series I wanna check out, I can NEVER find the first 2 or 3 in the series! I'm not wanna those people who can read books outta order either! Drives me crazy. Not to mention that I've been trying to check out Eldest for months and its STILL not in, grrrrr!

Oh well, I think I'll go read some of the books now and maybe listen to some blues!

S

The shaft

2006-08-27T18:22:00.000-07:00

My daughter had the longest spell of separation anxiety in the history of the Earth, I think. She's never been a BIG fan of other people, from the get. I've been given the "look" by a million old ladies when I refused to force her into others company. People wanted me to make her like going with others. Yeah, rrright, that's gonna work. So after 26 months of her refusing to go to Sunday school or to the nursery alone... she does now! She's been doing really well with Ms. Dottie for a little but and would leaver Brett to go to Sunday school. But to leave me for nursery time (during the sermon) was a whole other story.
Yeah, well, now she'll even leave me. Today, for the first time, she even volutarily went with a male nursery worker, SHOCK!!! GASP!!!! I was floored and soo proud! I haven't heard this many sermons in a row since bfore I had Anna, lol. So, yeah, we got her a present for being such a big girl. A "Backyardigans" book she has been eyeing. I don't care if I shouldn't reinforce her with presents, I think she deserved it, dangit!

And people thought she was going to never be good around other people, sigh. Take that.
S

car seat crazy

2006-08-25T17:01:00.000-07:00

Anna's carseat had junk all over it.  Brett had to bring it in from the car so he could fit more of the youth group in the car.
So, I decided to wash the cover of it.  Yeah, do you know how difficult it was to get that cover off?
I think it was worse than trying to break into a bank vault, seriously it was ridiculous.  Now I have to hope
that I can figure out how to get it all back on correctly.  I'll have to probably take it to get inspected afterwards
to make sure she won't fly out of it.  Now I wish I had just let it be nasty.

S

Driving me crazy

2006-08-25T09:42:00.000-07:00

I don't mean to sound like I don't want my brothers here, b/c I do. BUT, sometimes they freakin' drive me crazy. Like today and yesterday. I don't know if they were just tired from the week of school or just letting out engery over being excited to have 2 weeks off from school for the house - BUT they are driving me crazy. We've given them chores... not very mean, might I add, to help out. Normally they complain a bit but get up and do them, not so much yesterday and today. I told Shay if he didn't stop, he wasn't going to get clean laundry for a week and he could just eat sandwiches for dinner. Seriously, it gets old. I don't want to be a nag or a harp and it gets really old to have to remind them over and over to sweep the dang kitchen floor or to put up the dishes, grrr!

Brett took the whole kid crew to Wal-Mart to pick up snacks for this evening. He's taking the older kids and the youth group from church to some district youth meeting he sat up. So yeah, just me and Anna with no car and nothing to do on a Friday night... lots of fun, huh?!

Anna had a off day with the potty yesterday. I still haven't had to change a poopy diaper but she peed inher diaper everytime, I guess it'll be like this for awhile.

Oh and OPK positive, WAHOO! We'll be bding for a few nights for sure, lol!

S

So happy for her!

2006-08-23T11:44:00.000-07:00

I just got an email from my good friend Dawn, who has been a friend of mine since SIXTH grade!
Her longtime boyfriend PROPOSED! They are such a cute couple and I couldn't be any happier for her.
HE proposed on the beach, at sunset... I don't think it gets much better than that!  I'm so excited and happy for her.
Just looking at some of the pictures made me cry, it was just so sweet.  Sigh, makes me wanna get married
all over again, of course to Brett again.  I love weddings.

In another note, I haven't changed a poopy diaper since Thursday.  Apparently, Anna has decided to
potty train herself, how freakin' awesome is that??! She still has some accidents but she is totally on her way.
She did it her way, in her own time... like she's done everything.  I've got a grown woman in a little girls body,
always determined to make her own decision in her own time.  It has made every transition pretty easy though,
I just follow her lead.

S

slacker much?

2006-08-22T21:02:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I think I'm gonna do a blog this way.
I have Anna's website but I always forget to update it lately but I don't wanna forget all the freakin' cute things she does.
So, combo Anna blog and my wandering thoughts blog.  Nice,huh??  Two in one combo deal, doesn't get much better than that!
Yeah, so our life is so crazy now.  My two teenage brothers life with us and while I love them being here, sometimes life is well... hectic to say the least.
I'm still trying to figure out how to be a parental figure to teenagers, especially sometimes when I still feel like a teenager.
  It doesn't help that my parents really, really suck right now.
I promise to everyone I've ever known that I will never treat my daughter (or any other children) the way my parents have treated me, not even close.
Tomorrow is Wednesday.  We are applying for financial aid to help cover some of the expenses the boys are helping up rack up, lol.
  We have an appointment tomorrow to see if we qualify.
Then church later that night.
Not to mention taking the boys to school and all the housework type jazz.
  Its so hard to figure out how to manage my time with two extra kids.
LOL, I'll finally get it down pat and then they'll end up going back home.  Such as life, huh?

So, I'm not gonna burn myself out trying to make some crazy long first blog.
Of course, I'm assuming people will actually want to read what I have to say.

S